=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= B E T W E E N T H E L I N E S [tm] Volume 9, Issue 4.5 - April 1, 1997 DDDDD D D D D GGGG D D G DDDDD G GGG G G GGGG This is simply not what you were expecting. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= CONTENTS =- ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES INTRODUCTION INTRO BY JIMMI SWARTZ - Jimmi Swartz TONY'S ALBUM: AN OVERVIEW - Hugh R. Kidding THE FINAL AND COMPLETE FAN TEST - Free Association GIBSON BECOMES LIFETIME GREASER - Barbara Lou Whoryou THE TRUTH ABOUT CHRIS' INFLUENCE - Linus Van Pelt BEAUTY AND THE BEAST - Friedrich Flintstone CLOSING REMARKS - Free Association PRODUCTION CREDITS - Free Association =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= DISCLAIMER =- Between the Lines (ISSN 0831-1970, electronic publication ISSN 1216-1986) operates on a non-profit basis, although we wouldn't particularly mind a change in status. Donations may be mailed to the address found below. Distribution is permissible only under the condition that no part of it will be used for profit, which would be pretty tough anyway. Trust us. "Between the Lines" and "BtL" are trademarks of Between the Lines. Isn't it a shame how easily they're letting them be tarnished by releasing this? Copyright 1997, Between the Lines. This forum does not necessarily reflect the views of Debbie Gibson, Deborah Gibson, GMI Entertainment, Inc. including but not limited to Espiritu Records, EMI/SBK, Atlantic, the Record-Label-of-the-Month-Club, and D.G.I.F., or any organizations to which members belong or represent. Opinions expressed in this issue of Between the Lines are those of two rather warped individuals, and almost certainly do not reflect the views of the entire forum, although we would LIKE them to. All lyrics by Deborah Gibson are copyrighted by ImPossibilities Publishing, Inc./EMI April Music, Inc. (ASCAP). =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES =- Between the Lines has a central account and e-mail address. Please send all administrative requests and submissions to: BtL@BtL.org, and they'll be sure to get back to you before the turn of the millenium, unless your request is sent when the moderators are having finals, in which case there may be a slight additional delay. To submit articles by snail-mail, please proofread and send them to the postal address listed below. Submissions sent by electronic mail do not necessarily have to be proofread, but it would be nice, and might enable us to submit issue 9.5 before next year. Submissions should be typed, written legibly, or transmitted via smoke signals. This last option is only valid on clear days of odd-numbered years evenly divisable by 2. To submit articles by FAX, please call (604) 555-1212. We reserve the right to redact, refer, reincarnate, or reject submissions with extreme prejudice. Submissions become the property of BtL. So there. BETWEEN THE LINES c/o T.Y.K. P.O. Box 5424 Diamond Bar, CA 91765 USA For those of you who are woefully unprepared for the Information Age, and do not have access to electronic mail, you may subscribe via postal mail. Issues are hand-printed by a minimum-wage worker with a sewing needle, an inkpot, and a magnifying glass. This allows six pages of text to be printed on both sides of one sheet of paper, as long as you don't mind squinting a bit. Back issues are also available on an Osborne I or Commodore 64 5.25" single density disk (please specify disk format when ordering). Prices are at cost and are subject to change: Canada $425 Cdn. for 5 issues / $250 Cdn. for back issues on disk United States $425 U.S. for 5 issues / $250 U.S. for back issues on disk International $600 U.S. for 5 issues / $350 U.S. for back issues on disk Please make a cheque or money order payable to CASH and mail it to the postal address mentioned above. We are not responsible for cash lost or stolen in the mail. Issues are always mailed via first class, but may be delayed in the event of writer's cramp. Free Association T-shirts are not currently available, but we'll work on it if there's any demand. Please send e-mail to either of us for more information. -= BtL moderators, who disavow any blame for this =- Myra Wong : mkwong@btl.org Felix Ng : fng@btl.org -= The Nuts Writing This Show: FREE ASSOCIATION =- Heath Clark (Fons Taddic): ftzog@Bayou.UH.EDU Shmuel Ross (Durlan): signs@silly.com =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= INTRODUCTION =- You are entering a new place. This is a place of sound, sights, and smells similar to our own world. True and False rule the universe, but the Rebel Alliance, led by Howard Stern, face off against their evil plans in an attempt to restore disco to the galaxy...... Let the fun begin. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= INTRODUCTION BY D. J. JIMMI SWARTZ =- Jimmi Swartz - Secaucus, New Jersey (hedbanger@msn.com) April 1, 1997 Hello all you BLT sandwiches! I'm Jimmi, single male 21-year old heavy metal enthusiast with an apartment full of pizza and Senior Manager of the single largest Caffeine supplier to all manner of over-the-edge companies, and my point is, DEBBIE ROCKS!!!!!!!! I've been looking for that strange girl who was partying down with the Circle Jerks a year or two ago, and I was flipping through the pages of an old Rolling Stone when BAM!! IT HIT ME!!!!!! So I put down the Jennifer Aniston issue (Whew!) and picked up the huge double-issue detailing the ENTIRE year of 1995! SHE WAS ON PAGE 42!!!!!!! DEBBIE WAS ON PAGE 42!!! I totally freaked when I learned about this list, because I've been reading Hit Parader forever and still haven't found anything about this new, obviously talented woman! AND IS SHE A BABE!!!! I'd have given anything to be closer to the stage!!!! So far, some whacko who hangs around the list told me that she'd been doing theater and played Sandy and Rizzo in Grease! Can anyone else confirm this? Rizzo I can understand but SANDY?! COME ON! It's almost too absurd to think about! If she did, she's one incredable actress. Well, I'm outta here for now. ROCK ON WITH DEBBIE! Jimmi =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= TONY'S ALBUM: AN OVERVIEW =- Hugh R. Kidding - Chattanooga, Tennessee (aprfool@aol.com) April 1, 1997 THE BEGINNING "All right, man!" "Here we go!" "Party time!" "Just turn the lights out; let's get with it!" "Whoo!" "Take me!" "Let's check it out!" "Test." "Hey, I'm havin' fun!" "Now, you know, that's what I mean." These are just some of the most beloved quotations from the albums of Deborah Gibson. Starting with her third album, _Anything Is Possible_, Deborah began including bits of chatter before and after some of her songs. They quickly became one of the most popular features on her albums. In recognition of this, album #5 included an entire track devoted to chatter: "Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal." While this quickly became a fan favorite, it was originally deemed to be too uncommercial to work on the radio, and was therefore not chosen as a single. FATE STEPS IN It was 9:45 p.m. in Boise, Idaho, when deejay Harold Chapin accidentally played the wrong track off "Think With Your Heart." Instead of "For Better or Worse," the strains of "Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal" went over the airwaves. Immediately afterwards, the switchboards at WOLD were swamped with calls from people who wanted to know who the artist was. "We haven't had this sort of audience reaction since we first played 'Grease Megamix,' said station manager Arnie Cunningham. "After three days of airplay, it was our top request, and it stayed in that position for over two weeks!" Other stations in the area followed suit. Still, the song's popularity remained a local phenomenon, until the remix came and changed everything. You've all heard it by now, of course. Some enterprising young men from Idaho heard "Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal" and loved it, but felt that it could be made better. Remembering that Deborah got her start with dance music, they remixed the song, adding a strong dance beat. Calling themselves "RNA featuring Deborah Gibson," the bootleg recording became an underground favorite. SBK found out about it, released it as an official single, and, suddenly, every station in the nation had it in heavy rotation. TONY-MANIA! "It was just incredible," said an SBK official. "Frankly, when Deborah wanted to include this track on the album, we were all kind of incredulous... but we knew she'd been through a lot with Atlantic, and didn't want to pressure her too much. But this... this is something we never expected." "This," of course, referred to the wave of "Tony-mania" which swept the nation. Even David Letterman got into the act, asking Paul Schaffer for an "E-flat-major-seventh" chord on the Late Show, to thunderous applause. "Should we play 32?" had become a national catch-phrase, second only to "Got Milk?" in surveys of pop culture. Hundreds of children signed up for viola lessons. Deborah and Tony Visconti toured the nation with the entire London Session Orchestra. BtL circulation shot up to almost 13,000 readers. In short, it was an exciting time to be a Deb-fan. THE ALBUM By special arrangement with SBK and Atlantic, Espiritu Records is now releasing "Tony's Album," which is comprised almost completely of "Interlude/ Tony's Rehearsal" remixes. Also included is "Chat Megamix!" containing the best bits of pre- and post-song chatter from AIP, BMS, and TWYH, including the quotes which began this article. In addition to the two original versions of "Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal," some of the hottest names in contemporary music have stepped in to add their own touches. Among the offerings are a reggae version, a rap version, and an inspired accordion interpretation by "Weird Al." As a result, the album is an inspired collaboration between some of today's most talented artists. Separately, there's something for everybody. Together, it's an existential listening experience that fans of "Tony's Rehearsal" are sure to love. THE TRACK LISTING TONY'S ALBUM -- Tony Visconti, Deborah Gibson, Various Artists (Espiritu) ------------ 1. Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal (Album Version) 2. Bust a Rehearsal! (Young M.C. 12" Version) 3. Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal (Gospel Version, with Extra Butterflies) 4. Tony Walks with the Doves of Happiness (New Age mix) 5. Reggae Rehearsal, Mon (Dreadlock Dance) 6. Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal (Babyface Mix) 7. Interlude Polka! 8. Interlude/Tony's Reversal (Backwards Dub) 9. Quaaludes/Tony's Rehearsal (High Culture Mix) 10. Chat Megamix! 11. Interlude/Tony's Rehearsal (RNA Mix) JAPAN-ONLY BONUS TRACK: 12. Call Yourself a Lover (Heidi Fleiss Mix) * * * "Okay, man... that's a wrap!" "Great article! Ultra-spiff!" "Gee, thanks!" "We outta here..." "Hey, who left the text editor open?" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= FREE ASSOCIATION PRESENTS: =- The Final and Complete Free-Association Deborah Gibson Fan Test To End All Fan Tests. Hello, and welcome to the 1st official Free Association Deborah Gibson fan test! For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of fan tests, they are basically a series of questions designed to measure one's state of being a fan for a particular person, or, technically, inanimate object. [shrug] We here at Free Association feel that these matters should be taken very seriously, and many people take great pride in who they admire. As such, we have been through a series of sample tests and populations and networked endless strings of data into three supercomputers around the world. We have had the result of our efforts for about a year now, but it has been kept confidential due to an internal security measure set forth by evil people who have been summerily sacked, along with thier jumping llamas and m00sies. Without further ado, then, we are proud to present the fan test: Answer the following as closely as possible. Give yourself 1 point for every YES answer. You get no points for every NO answer. 1. Do you like Deborah Gibson? Scoring: 1 pt: Yes, you are a fan. 0 pts: You should not have received this test in the first place. Please inform the list moderator that you are on the wrong mailing list and revoke your D.G.I.F. membership IMMEDIATELY. Thank you very much for your time. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= GIBSON BECOMES LIFETIME GREASER =- Barbara Lou Whoryou - Rydell, New York (blwhoryou@rydell.k12.ny.us) March 32, 1997 I found this article on the Playgates Online website yesterday: Deborah Gibson is no stranger to the Grease stage, as she signs a lifetime contract that requires her to be in a Grease production every two years. Theatre-insiders speculate that Gibson's signing secures the financial success of each production she stars in. An anonymous source cites the large number of Debbie Gibson fans who will travel anywhere to see their idol. Gibson first appeared in Grease playing Sandy (as Debbie Gibson) on London's West End from July 15, 1993 at 8 P.M. to April 9, 1994 at 10:48 P.M. The next year she was recruited as Rizzo (as Debbie Gibson) in the U.S.-we-must-have-celebrities national touring production of Grease where she joined perpetual-Rydeller Adrian Zmed, Sally Struthers and newcomer Sutton Foster who is slated to portray Gibson in the upcoming biographical movie, "Squeaky Clean Parts." Gibson will step into the role of Patty Simcox in the west coast premiere production of Tommy Tune's Grease at the La Jolla Playhouse starting September 1st. Deborah explains that she, at age 27, will be ready to show her prissy, school-spirit side. When asked about her heavy commitment to the show, Gibson replied, "I've always wanted to be in Grease, ever since I was a little girl singing along to Summer Nights with my sisters in our living room. This is a dream come true!" Gibson looking slightly traumatized clearly pointed out that, "My high school never put on the show. You know, they *knew* I wanted to be Sandy my whole life. They wouldn't even do it during my senior year after "Only In My Dreams" went Top 5." 1999 has Debbie, I mean, Deborah Gibson filming the Australian revival-revisal of Grease with London-costar Craig McLachlan, where both will reprise their roles of Sandy and Danny. This movie hopes to bring the American 50's into the 21st century for Australia, with a twist; if you remember, the 1976 movie brought over Australian singer Olivia Newton John to America. Star-turned-producer McLachlan confessed his lifelong devotion for Deborah, "I knew this was the only way I could get her back onto Aussie soil. Her 1989 Electric Youth World tour concerts just couldn't last me a lifetime!" International productions of Grease are sprouting up all over the globe, in Tokyo, Japan; Rio de Janero, Brazil; and Toronto, Canada; with even more productions planned for The Netherlands, Singapore, and even Czechoslovakia. Gibson's response to this worldwide exposure was, "I hope they don't expect me to play Sandy in every production! I want to play Frenchy, to show off my new smoking skills and the side of me that always wanted to go to beauty school! And Marty, to show my I'm-in-a-long-distance-relationship side, 'cause, you know, I've had a lot of experience with that. And I just *have* to try out the roles of Danny and Kenickie to show my manly side. After that, I can easily slip into the role of Vince Fontaine -- I'm a great DJ!" Can Debbie Gibson play a teenager forever? "In a few years, I'll have to play Miss Lynch. I can't wait to get up on that stage every night and let out my grouchy nastiness that has built up inside me after so many years in the business!" Watch for Grease with Debbie Gibson coming to a country near you! A last word from Gibson: "Excuse me, but that's _Deborah_ Gibson. I'm *really* tired of people calling me Debbie." Playgates found out why this is a sore spot with Gibson, "At my first fan club convention, everyone was laughing at a recent realization... E I E I O." Those are the vowels in Debbie Gibson. Hmmm. Gibson hides her face and whispers, "It's Deborah now." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= THE TRUTH ABOUT CHRIS' INFLUENCE =- Linus Van Pelt - Peanutsville, USA (crusader@conspiracy.net) April 1, 1997 Just the other day, there was a bit of discussion on the AIP mailing list about whether or not the songs on "Deborah" were about Chris Bruno. You might've missed it; it was buried inside one of the latest flamewars. :-) I just thought I ought to clarify this point for everyone who's currently confused about it. Yes, all the songs on "Deborah" are about Chris. Furthermore, all the songs on Deb's first five albums are also about Chris. So are a few of Madonna's, not to mention one of Tiffany's, but that's another story, which I'm not going to get into here. Let's pick a few examples at random. "Electric Youth" refers to a young man who can regularly be seen on electric appliances, i.e. TVs, i.e. on "All My Children," i.e. Chris. Similarly, "Eyes of the Child" is also an AMC reference. "No More Rhyme" is about their breakup, as are "Goodbye," "How Can This Be?" and "This So-Called Miracle." "Anything is Possible" signified an upswing in their relationship, followed by "Mood Swings," and finally capped with the triumphant "Staying Together" as they reunited at last. There is a clear hint to this on "Deborah," as one of the first spoken lines of "Staying Together" was covertly incorporated into "Just Wasn't Love." This 'coincidence' not only proves the connection, but shows that the songs weren't recorded in the chronological order of their relationship. This much is clear. Rumor has it that if you listen to "Only In My Dreams" backward, you'll hear "Where's Chris?" in the background, but that could not be confirmed at the time of this writing. Regardless, it is clear to anyone with half a brain that Chris has been a strong influence since Day One. (Those with entire brains may need a tad more convincing, but that's just because they're more susceptable to brain freeze.) One might ask how Deb could possibly have known the details of her relationship with Chris years before they occurred. It's simple if one thinks about it: Deborah is always talking about how people should be in touch with themselves. Since a person's 'self' is actually made up of what they have been, what they are, and what they will be, Deborah's understanding of her own persona allowed her to develop a sensitivity to past and future relationships that has influenced her since Day 1. Simply, she's chronosentient, empathic, and some evidence even suggests that she can change her hair color with a minimum amount of concentration. If I may pause on that note for a moment, it is my belief that a numerological analysis of Deb's sequence of hair styles and colors would have a distinct possiblity of uncovering the last digit of Pi. Anyway... Back on subject, It's a good bet that anything in the future that Deb writes is going to be about Chris, too. Why is this in ANY WAY SIGNIFICANT, some skeptics might ask? Scientists and researchers work tirelessly to find some kind of constant in the universe, when such things can easily be found with a little logic (and some creative investigation methods, like only we at FREE ASSOCATION productions can possibly even conceive of.) Since one constant has been established, modern science may now work from that center..... slowly, but assuredly, bringing perfect understanding of everything into our lives. And then Disco will come back. MARK MY WORDS!!!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! =- Friedrich Flintstone - Bedrock, History (wasnotwas@slate.com) April 1, 1997 Our story begins with the introduction to a morning talk show hosted by Suzy Salone and Dave Truman. After a typical mix of computer-generated animation and screen captures of embarrassing (yet ratings-friendly) moments from previous episodes, the director drowsily turns off the stored introduction and tells camera #2 to move in on the two hosts. Over the crew headphones, the person on camera #3 keeps making unintelligible jokes about Yoda for some reason... Suzy: "Hello, I'm Suzy Salone!" Dave: "And I'm Dave Truman!" Suzy: "And welcome to our show! Today, we've got a singer in our studio who has returned to her roots... and we're not just talking about going back to being a blonde. The singer is Debbie Gibson, and we'll have more after these messages. " [Commercial break. Featured are an ad for paper towels, a guy who isn't a doctor, although he plays one in commercials, and "Songs of the Couch" featuring 48 songs on compact disk or cassette for just $19.98. The latter features "Lost in Your Eyes," an honor which starts a flamewar on the Internet about what subtle, insidious meaning there is behind the title of the album....] [The talk area reappears on the screen, with Deb sitting in a chair to the left looking innocent, Dave sitting on the other side, and a slightly ruffled Suzy sitting at a 45 degree angle to Dave..] Suzy: "We're back with.... DEBORAH... Gibson. " Deb: [Smiles, interrupting] "Thank you...." Dave: "Well, Deborah-" Suzy: [Quickly interrupting] "Many of you probably remember Deborah from her hit songs in the mid-80s, like 'Shake Your Love' and 'Electric Youth.' It's taken until now, however, for her to go the way of the dinosaurs; the way of Barney, to be specific. No, she isn't going to be dancing in a bulky purple outfit and giggling uncontrollably to promote her album -- at least, not THIS one -- but in fact, the album is a duet between the pop veteran and the beloved carnivore-gone-family therapist. "It's been a rocky road along the way, though. Her fourth album, 'Body Mind Soul', caused controversy with her 'Losin' Myself' video, which shocked many people with her portrayal of a stripper." [Cut to footage of "Losin' Myself". Ratings of the show immediately rise to an all-time high, and V-chip TV sets throughout the nation promptly explode. A flamewar starts on the Internet.] Dave: "That's right, and-" Suzy: [Overrides] "Afterwards, she began to pursue a theatrical career, starring in the London revival of Grease as Sandy." [Cut to footage of Deb on-stage, singing "You're the One that I Want."] "She then returned to America, where she released her fourth album, 'Think With Your Heart,' which largely concentrates on pop ballads, but not without first taking a break and singing backup on 'I Wanna Destroy You,' by the Circle Jerks." [Cut to footage of stage dive in slow motion, then back to the interview area. A flamewar starts on the Internet. Again.] "After a brief stint playing Rizzo in a U.S. production of Grease, and just before her "Funny Girl" tour -- in which she played Barbara Streisand's old role, Fanny Brice -- Gibson has now teamed up with Barney for an album of holiday songs. [pause] Deborah... what brought the idea for this project on?" Deb: "I've always felt that children growing up today need to hear positive messages, and Barney's been one of the most positive forces out there these days. Take his song, 'I Love You.' This is a wonderful message of security for today's kids. " Dave: "That's --" Suzy: "-- Wonderful! But how'd you two get together in the first place?" Deb: "We both worked for the same label, and one day we happened to meet by the water cooler between takes on our respective albums. We both liked each others' work, EMI was looking to release a duet album, and... uhm, we thought it would be a cool collaboration. " Suzy: "Great! Well, I'm told that we have to go to a commercial break now, but we'll be back with Deborah Gibson." [Viewers all across the country begin to hear strange voices in their heads... voices that they can't seem to make out.... until it's too late.] "WE CONTROL THE AUDIO. WE CONTROL THE VIDEO. WE'RE JUST *THAT* COOL." [Barney comes onto a blank white screen, and dances around.] "Hi kids! Hyuk! I'm here to tell YOOU about a BIIIIG new offer that you should run and ask your parents for. Let's play pretend, ok? Everybody put on your pretend caps, and listen to THESE COMMERCIAL MESSAGES!!! Have a yum-yum-doodle-dum day everybody! huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhehehe!" [Barney disappears in a swirl of red special effects. The screen fades to black, and an animated version of Deborah enters from the right side of the screen in her black 50's sequin jacket and shades, causing the character to blend into the background and seem like a disembodied dancing hair, hands, and shoes....] [Star Wars Theme music starts playing, and the screen begins scrolling album information in the traditional Lucas-style] DEBORAH GIBSON AND BARNEY: LIVE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME! (SBK) Track Listing: 1. I'm the only dinosaur left (And all I got was this lousy T-shirt) 2. Can't do it Alone (The Cooperation Song) 3. Yes, I Know You'll Love Me Tomorrow! 4. Jurassic Colors: Shades of the Past 5. Too Grown-Up 6. Staying Together (When We Cross the Street) 7. Red Hot, Blue Cold, Purple Dinosaur Japan-Only Bonus Track: 8. I Know You, You Know Me YOU ARE THE ONLY HOPE FOR OUR GALAXY. BUY THIS ALBUM NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!! [As the tempo of the song climaxes, an image of Barney holding a lightsaber swings by on the screen, accompanied by a dramatic SWOOSH.... leaving behind a planet which explodes two seconds later. Surprisingly, this does not start a flamewar on the Internet....] [The animated Deb comes back on screen, this time wearing a white shirt and blue jeans. She reaches over to the side of the screen and pulls out the animated version of Liberace's Piano. She picks up a microphone from out of view, hops onto the piano, ... and starts singing!] [From the other side of the screen, Barney peeks in... ] *** TOO GROWN-UP *** He wears his three-piece suits And shoes that always shine Catches the 8:13 To get to work on time I like the jokes he tells, His backyard apple tree He's just too grown up for me. He raves of income tax And blasts the IRS Barney: OO! Audit! A paycheck bounces and He calls 'em useless pests! He has no interest in Paleontology Barney: Like Ross? He's just too grown-up for me. I like a guy who can lip-synch with ease And sing about colors And seasons and trees I like a guy who can clarify The A-B-C's. Barney: That's me! Don't want no healthy things 'Cause Gummi Worms are keen His car phone just can't beat My Trix decoder ring! Barney: huhuhhahe! Spinach and other greens He has them frequently But they're too grown-up for me Give me some PBS Don't give me CNN Dinosaurs are the best 'Cause Barney is a ten! Barney: Aww, shucks. Don't want calligraphy Crayons are fine with me He's just too grown-up for me He's just too grown-up for me Barney: She's just too perfect for me.... hhuhuhuhuhuh! Bug your parents to buy 5 copies of the album, kids! Buy one for Santa, too! [Deborah puts her arms on her hips and gives Barney a cutesy-disapproving look, smiles, and walks over to Barney, catching the big lug in a bear hug. End Commercial/Music Video, fading out with the two enveloped by a heart-shaped outline....] Suzy: "Will the album sell in this cynical age? Only time will tell. The album's title is 'Deborah Gibson and Barney: Live Since the Beginning of Time,' and it's now available in music stores everywhere in the New Age section. Anyway, we're back with Deborah Gib... Deborah?" [Off in a distant magical land, the director prematurely switches to camera #2 carrying Deborah... revealing an empty chair. Much chaos arises, ending with Suzy filling out the segment revealing information that will one day haunt her infant son Cory's social life...] [Off in another distant magical land, Deborah wakes up on a seemingly endless yellow brick road, surrounded by some very strange-looking characters.] Tin Man: "Oh no, not again." [A lion gives Deborah a pair of ruby slippers, and they all do a spontaneous dance number marked by Deb disappearing in the middle... and reappearing back in Merrick. Unexpectedly, however, the entire mob of strange creatures surrounding Deborah are also transported back to Merrick, which they all have a good laugh about before they all link arms and skip over to La Mela, where they end up having a great time.] =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= CLOSING REMARKS =- Deborah's new album, "Deborah," is now available at Tower Records stores across the nation. A new version of the album, with the "Funny Girl" tracks replaced by dance remixes of "Only Words" and "Only in My Dreams," will soon be available in stores everywhere. If this does well, Espiritu plans to release new versions of the album every few months, changing a track or two each time until the fan base finally runs out of money. Deborah performed live in concert at Club Amnesia the other day, but unfortunately... (all together now, it's an obvious punchline...) NOBODY CAN REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED! (Great job! Ever consider going into comedy?) [This isn't typical form, but Fons would simply like to break in here and just say: Errrrghuuughhh. That was BAD.] [Really? It was endlessly funny over on AIP, all three times! There's no accounting for taste, I guess... -- Shmuel] This Thursday, April 3rd, will be the fourth anniversary of the longest period the Anything is Possible mailing list has ever gone without a flamewar... three days, five hours, and forty-two minutes. Of course, the server was down for all but the first quarter hour of that, but we've never let that get in the way of the record. Let's all work together, and see if we can't extend it by a few more hours this year! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -= PRODUCTION CREDITS =- This has been A Free Association Production. Make of it what you will. Free Association is a comedy collective consisting of two lost souls... One of them has been known to listen to "Butterflies Are Free" for over an hour on "repeat," and the other has admitted to meditating to AIP. Between them, they can name all five Spice Girls.. Applause, acclaim, and positive vibes may be sent to us at our e-mail addresses above. Negative energy, lawsuits, and bad karma may be sent to /dev/null. However, before doing so, please check out our legal notice: This entire issue is a work of satire. If you STILL haven't caught on, take a close look at the date at the top of this issue. Non-US readers may wish to grit their teeth, count to ten, take a deep breath, and remember that April Fool's Day is one of those quaint cultural traditions those daft Americans have, and is undoubtably one of the reasons that they're completely incapable of making a decent cup of tea. Speaking of which, a nice cup would hit the spot about now, don't you think? You'll feel much better afterwards. Any resemblance between persons in the issue and real-life persons, without satiric intent, is completely coincidental. And if MAD Magazine can say that with a straight face and not get sued, then so can we. Nyah, nyah, nyah. We apologize for the blantant generalization of heavy metal enthusiasts. The writers wish to point out that not all heavy metal enthusiasts are managers of caffeine-producing companies, and many are actually not on the Internet. We thank you for the time you have allowed us to correct this error. Ahem, rock on. We also apologize to Barney the Purple Dinosaur, his manager, his production company, all of the fine folks responsible for putting his image on every piece of merchandise imaginable, and the guy in the dinosaur suit. Our article does not mean to imply that Barney spends too much time around the water cooler. In point of fact, we have no inside information on his activity in this area. We would also like to stress that this issue is not affiliated with, nor is any offense meant to: the Official Debbie Gibson Fan Test; purple dinosaurs of any size, shape, or even color; Suzanne Vega; the Circle Jerks; F*R*I*E*N*D*S; Wendy the Snapple Lady; Weird Al; DNA; Young M.C.; Baby Bop; AIP; EN; AFL-CIO; MGM; The Wizard of Oz; Harry Chapin; Stephen King; Elvis. Sincere apologies to Deborah if she doesn't find this funny... It is intended in the best of spirits. Isn't it the thought that counts, anyway? {innocent look} We would also like Deborah to know that we are available for any album promotion, music video production, coffee-making, modeling, (or anything else really) that she, in her infinite benevolence, would care to let us in on. [smile]) Shmuel Ross would like to thank the members of the Academy; Heath Clark, the single best reason for having joined AIP; the entire list, for the occasional lull in the flamewars; Myra Wong, for putting up with all this; Britta, for being the only encouraging voice back at the start of all this; Nicky, for much encouragement since (apologize to the neighbors for me, okay? <g>); Doughty Deli, for 3 A.M. junk-food supplies; and, most of all, Deborah Gibson. Heath Clark would like to thank Shmuel for his brilliant writing on this April 1st issue, and for all the fun we've had and will have in the future- Myra Wong for giving us this opportunity and for her patience- Angelle Zwirek, for letting me bounce some of this off her and for having a great sense of humor- and obviously, Deborah Gibson, for the past, and for the future. Offer void where prohibited, and prohibited where void. Contents may be unsettling during packaging. Memeber FDIC (Fonzie & Durlan In Cahoots). You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you give up these rights, anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. All other rights, lefts, and wrongs reserved. If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry, again. This issue was brought to you by the letters "M" and "T" and the number "9". Have a nice day, don't forget to look for the union label, and beware... the evil is just beginning.